i really do not know why it keeps ending up like this. i think after a while, it gets really depressing. you just keep receiving repeated pummellings and the endless onslaughts hack away at your confidence, your self-belief, your soul, and pretty much your whole being. and it's not even supposed to be like, anything big or major. just some small little simple thing, as mundane as deciding where to meet up, or what movie to watch, or what to do, or which piece of work i must accomplish today.

small stuff like that. and i don't seem to be very good at getting them right.

2008 is all but over. and i don't get just why at the end of the year, when people reflect about the year gone by, it's always overwhelmingly positive. whatever horrid stuff that has happened, whatever mud you've been dragged through, just doesn't seem to suppose to matter. even if people acknowledge that there've been bad times, they just gloss over them and dismiss them without so much as a backward glance. i don't understand why it's generally considered negative and pessimistic and EMO to feel bad about the year gone by, and to admit it. i'm sure lots and lots of people, if given the chance, would want to live the year, even their entire lives, all over again. if you genuinely feel negative about it, why not just say it?

i think it's been happening to me a lot. and i can't help but feel so terribly negative about this lengthy vacation period, again. it's a cycle really, and just why it is so hard to escape it perplexes me. every year, at the end of the year. it just feels so bad and so wasted and so @#$% and so jhuiwhjokqiuqhjoqoajsjmewgdydjkda.

there's always a part of me telling myself that i must continue to trust God, that He will definitely show me a way out of the enveloping darkness, that there will indeed be light at the end of that seemingly never-ending tunnel, because He has promised that He will not give us more than we can bear.

but sometimes, it's just SO hard to see things that way.