i guess the word that sums it all up is fatigue. physical and emotional fatigue. physical fatigue as in after-training-just-wanna-vegetate kind of fatigue. this type is fine actually. you are aware that this fatigue is good for you. it makes your muscles, your cardiovascular system stronger. so no complaints.

but emotional fatigue. sigh. i really don't know if i have been experiencing this sort of fatigue all along or if i have recently picked up a knack for feeling it. perhaps it's just a culmination of all my thoughts and experiences over the years. this thing about emotional fatigue, it really drains you. it drains your soul, your entire being, and that leads to your being unable to accomplish anything of note.

just been feeling increasingly this way. i start to wonder just what, cliched as it may sound, i have been doing with my life over the years. really. i mean, i look around me, and i just cannot help but feel so small in comparison with those i see. what have i accomplished in my 17 years of existence? is there anything i can look back on and feel really proud of? i guess the answer that confronts me is obvious.

and this thing about forging bonds, relationships with others. just been feeling so antisocial these days. i mean i really feel that i should be making more friends and getting to know more people, being more friendly with them. and yet i fail. time and time again. it's just some sort of chronic disease within me i would think. i don't know why. perhaps being close to someone does actually take a toll on people. perhaps there comes a point when being close to people comes with the baggage of obligation. there will be this need to be constantly sensitive to their thoughts and feelings and problems. and the closer we get, the higher the expectation and obligation. so perhaps i just want to get away from it all, to withdraw into my shell of safety and comfort, to build up that impenetrable fortress around myself.

but is it just myself or is it a norm of society to feel like that? i don't know if i should feel justified being wary of this closeness. perhaps these inhibitions are self-imposed, and i am demanding too much of myself. but still, whatever it is, it's tiring living up to expectations of myself, of society.