this whole thing about double/split personalities has been hitting me these days. hard. isn't it just so queer how each one of us is so many people all at once? i mean after all, it's still the same person right? or not. i fact, i think all of us have at least two dimensions, or exist in two different realms, physical and virtual. the virtual one is fine, it's the physical one that makes life the total suckfest it gets at times. yes yes i'm becoming better at it, i am learning. but still. i mean, just look at me. i'm trying hard, i really AM. really. my life has become a constant struggle to break down these walls which inhibit my social development. it's really frustrating when you know just what the problem is but try as you might, it simply refuses to make way for you to build those human to human bonds. yet, i look around me, and some of them just make it look so easy. how?? i'm lost. over time, it really does take a toll on you. i guess perhaps it doesn't openly show in the way i behave, the way i talk etc etc, but it sure rankles deep inside dude. the great disparity in the quality of conversations between the two realms is just to large to ignore.

does it take time? but then again, how much time does it need? and how can time alone bridge the gap when there's no quality interaction going on during that time? some of them don't seem to need time. they just click. just like that. is it just my personality? this year certainly has been a long process of self-evaluation amd reflection for me. i'm sorry if i do appear closed and reserved, but i'm working on it. i'm trying! but the results are just so delayed in arriving that i'm starting to think if i'm on the right track at all.

i sometimes wonder if i should just give this whole thing up. retreat into the safe but uneventful comfort of my shell and shut out the outside world. let the walls build up around me, they're building too fast and it becomes really tiring to constantly put in the effort to knock them down. but i know that's not what i ultimately want. doing so would be defeat, doing so would be letting life rule over me. i can't do that can i? doing so would just be a temporary respite from the daily grind, but in the long run, it sure would be detrimental.

help.