arghh..life' s just feeling so mundane, so cyclic in nature. so many things just become so drony and uneventful. amidst all the never-ending assignments and struggles to keep up to date with lessons, i'm feeling like i'm not living, just merely existing.

i'm concerned about the difficulty in changing things which i feel are not ideal, improving areas in my life i want to improve upon and enrich. so difficult. it's not as if i don't know what i want. i have this picture of how i would like to shape my life, but somehow it just keeps going all awry. i still experience moral degradation, social deprivation and the like. i mean yes okay there are little pockets of laughter, of amusement along the way, but in the larger scheme of things, these are simply little insignificant ephemeral pleasures which hardly make an impact.

perhaps an analogy of a snowball would be most appropriate here. i am this miserable ball of snow rolling down an icy hill. the hill is rocky and bumpy, and there's no stopping the downward roll. similarly, life is rocky with the various problems faced, and there's no stopping, no turning back. life has to go on, unfortunately. so on and on i roll, constantly buffeted by the rocks and pebbles along the way, hurting me terribly. all this while, i am well in the knowledge of what will happen to me once i reach the bottom of the hill. i will smash into a gazillion pieces and become a complete wreck. and yet, i cannot stop rolling on, nearer and nearer to my doom. i am unable to control my journey towards my annihilation. it is an external force, gravity, which controls it.

i can't help but feel so much like this poor snowball. i am well aware that change is required. (even barack obama knows that). i am aware that i cannot continue on this path, this route, or i will eventually suffer. BUT, it's just SO DIFFICULT to break away from my current life, my habits which govern the way i lead this doomed life of mine. i end up going on and on along this wretched path. i feel like i'm a spectator watching my own impending demise, but unable to do anything about it.

so since i can't leave this path on my own, i guess what i need is His hand to pull me away from this doomed path to perdition. i have to follow another path. this new path is by no means easy though. the difference is that this path is upward sloping. so therein lies the difficulty. to go along this path, i have to fight against gravity, against the things which pull me down. these things which pull me down could perhaps be laziness, procrastination (which appears to be a very popular pastime) and so on. these are easy to succumb to, just as it is easy to walk down a hill and let gravity do the work. so when i successfully fight against them, i will be able to take the road less travelled, the upward sloping one. and when i reach the end of this upward sloping path, when i have run the race, when i have fought the good fight, instead of staring into the flames of eternal damnation which the downward sloping hill leads down into, i will, having followed the upward sloping path, enter up into His gates with thanksgiving, and onto streets of gold.

It's been a long and winding journey
But i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
And walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When i look into your eyes
My dreams came true
When i found you
I found you
My miracle

Standing here before you
Feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name
My dreams came true
Right here in front of you
My miracle