'cause we're living in a world of fools

the other day, i was going through my phone photos from like waaayyy back, and apart from reminiscing about random times gone by, a number of things hit me.

i noticed i used to go out after school a lot more than i do now. glancing through those memories of visits to the randomest places like fort canning, bukit panjang plaza, and pretty much anywhere else, i can't help but snap bitterly back to the present reality of EE, TOK and the like, which collude in vile, detestable, pernicious repulsion to deprive me of any semblance of relaxation after school. and i realize i'm getting pretty worked up now just thinking about this enforced preoccupation with work.

i also realized, stuff that occurred like a few years back, somehow seemed surprisingly recent. like, i was sorta surprised i could actually remember the exact circumstances in which i had taken each picture. none of the pictures seemed alien or distant, but instead remained fresh in my memory. i guess this is what makes photographs so alluring, so charming, so intrinsically beautiful. they wordlessly and silently remind you of your fondest (and perhaps not so fond) memories of the past which, without them, would have slipped silently away into oblivion. and somehow, looking at those pictures, a strange sense of warmth comes over you. the pictures don't necessarily have to be depictions of particularly significant or poignant moments in your life. even mundane activities and outings with friends, when captured on film and revisited some time later, induce a sense of inexplicable joy and sometimes, a yearning for the past.

and yet, at the same time, i do not feel uneasy or disturbed deleting pictures which i feel have no more relevance or importance to me whatsoever. i guess i understand that though these pictures may fill me with fond memories, i realize that we cannot keep living in the past, and like it or not, we've to move on, and find new joys, new beginnings, in new environments and circumstances. and i know that those deleted pictures will be replaced in good time, by moments just as good, if not better.

breaking us down

this is so random but idc, i'm gonna go ahead and spit it out!

i realize what really makes me stressed about work is the fear that it's gonna go on and on and on forever. as in like, it's gonna be a constant stream of work, with no time for breaks, no time for anything else at all in my life, constantly burdened by my work, even when i'm trying to chill or have fun.

y'see, i don't think i'm really that worried or stressed about having work to do, in itself, as an isolated event. i'm not scared of like sizing up something big, and telling myself, okay let's do this, and after it's over i can relax. it's not the work itself that causes the stress y'know what i mean. i mean yes of course it's somewhat stressful to do work and mug and all that, but i think it's so stressful mainly 'cuz i keep being bothered by the fact that like, dammit man, this isn't all, after this still got this, and this, and this, and this etc etc etc...

so it's like it's just so irritating that it's a continuous stream of work, and like there's nothing to look forward to. so very unlike the old days where "finish your work fast fast and then you can go and play!" it's the fact that there's just nothing to look forward to, the knowledge that you still have a gazillion things waiting for you, that makes it so damn sickening and draining and demoralizing, it makes you go like, screw it, what's the point anyway =X

okay thanks for reading -.-

recently, it sorta occurred to me how much of my life's problems are pretty much related.

basically, it's like, okay i don't understand my work, so i can't do my assignments etc. properly, and it takes so damn long to do because i don't know how to do. so i end up spending lots of time on it, and i sleep late. so since i sleep late, i persistently feel so damn effing tired, and i want to sleep for as long as possible. so i wake up as late as possible. unfortunately, i always refuse to accept that i need at least like 30 minutes to get ready for school, so i always end up with not enough time in the morning, so i have to rush like mad, and sometimes i'm still late. and obviously all that trying to squeeze in an extra 5, 10 minutes of sleep doesn't help, when we're talking about losing HOURS of sleep to work, so i still feel tired anyway, even after trying to stretch my sleeping time. so i cannot focus properly, i cannot think properly, my brain is not functioning properly in school. so i can't absorb stuff properly, and then, it's back to not being able to do my work and taking so damn long. and ahh whatever, there's a whole lot more stuff regarding all this but i'm sick of it already. so shkreww it -.-

and viv tells me not to emo, so let's try to talk about happier stuff. uhmmm, okay, today i spent some time chilling with friends at billy bombers. nice to just screw it all and just relax for a while i guess. and and, CHEESE FONDUE OVERLOAD haha what the ______! seriously, idk what's gonna happen to my 2.4 timing =X

oh and, i bought guy sebastian's The Memphis Album. haha yes, i know, very slow =/ it's just a habit i guess, i always somehow put off buying until like, ages after the release. guess it helps increase my desire, so when i finally get it, i'll enjoy it more!! haha, i'm totally whacked i know -.- well, anyway, can't wait to listen. seriously, that GUY's totally ownage manz! hahaha geddit, that GUY is ownage =D

ah, okay guys, byebye. gonna enjoy his sexy voice now!

first, i want to blog about soccer with churchies against mount carmel on saturday. manz, it was insane, in more ways than one. okay so i was expecting a sort of tiny pitch, given the venue of lianhua PRIMARY school?! but surprisingly, was sorta decent sized eh. well then, what else.. oh, the weather certainly was the most INSANE of all. like, totally whacked. i see from paul's post it was 35 degrees Celsius?! (haha pauly, i remembered to quote you this time, no more plagiarism!) yeah so uhmm, i'm not trying to be a wuss here, but seriously. can die =.= and uh, throughout the whole match, "eh gareth, relax ah!", "wah gareth, calm down abit leh", and uncle david "whoa gareth, playing with a lot of blood ah!" and the ref "there's too much pushing and foul play from you, next time, i'm not going to be so kind ah" LOLSZ =X haha, so fun what, what to do! but eh, i'm honestly so damn unfit, urghh. how to do army like that =/ and i messed up my left calf -.-but it was good. i had fun!

unfortunately, it's just these few slivers of time, these rare morsels of freedom when i can really let loose and heck care about all my work and forget everything. i realize most of the time, most of my LIFE, at least some part of my mind is occupied by work, like it's definitely bugging me, more or less. it's honestly very draining and frankly, irritating. i remember some time back, after the TOK oral presentation, my friend told me, "okay since TOK OP's over, today, i'm going to reward myself and chill for one day. I SHALL DO NOTHING TODAY!" okay, so it's come down to this hasn't it. a life in which taking a break doesn't mean going out with friends to town to chill, doesn't mean going to the movies, doesn't mean sitting and chilling at starbucks or coffee bean, doesn't mean talking about things we're dying to talk about. rather, relaxing after completion of a major piece of work is now reduced to simply doing nothing, because being able to do nothing is a real blessing in this ridiculously hectic hell-hole. what a piece of ____.

and now, even as i sit here typing this, i'm feeling so overwhelmed by all the stuff i need to do. (no, i'm not going to even bother typing out a list here, as seems to be the trend) basically, it's just crazy, and it's so absurd and farcical i don't even really feel the urge or the need to rush to do my work anymore. it's like, what's the point, what difference will it make anyway. so if you see me slacking around, joking around, seemingly without a care in the world, you would do well to note that it's not because i've suddenly managed to clear up all my stuff, it's because i really don't know anymore.

i don't know how to conclude this post properly, so i'll just say goodnight.
ciao.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh TOK OP IS OVER!!! shkrew you, you bane of my existence, threat to my health! over and done with you. no longer will you haunt me and torture me, for i am free from your evil clutches!!!!!!!!!!

okay, honestly, it didn't feel as bad as initially feared. it was sorta smooth sailing, and i even managed to garnish it with a few on-the-spot additions :-) yay me! haha, damn funny at the start, aries started singing the birthday song and then the markers found out it was me birthday. (so now that you know, thanks for my +5 marks, heh!)

me love goes out to all who remembered me, or wished me either in person, or on the phone, or on facebook, or even a combination of these, LOL! thanks much, folks, for everything yepp :-)

ahhh tiredszzz, nighty all :D

man, still damn pi**ed at how i had to miss craig david's concert =/ see, at first, it was to be held at i think max pavilion or something. which was fine and good. then, for some reason, they changed it to zirca, so they had this age limit thingy, like 18. so his concert was like 2 days back, 8 april. so guess what, i couldn't attend one of me fave's concert because i missed the age limit thing by like FIVE days -.- and God knows when he'll come again. shkrewwy, shucky shizzz come on like seriously =.=

Stand up everybody
Get up now move your body
Straight up we're havin' a party
Cos tonight we're going all the way

so tok op is next monday (five extra marks as my birthday prezzies please??), and somehow, i'm not really feeling that nervy or worried =/ which is QUITE surprising, given that i hadn't really worked on it until like, 2 or 3 days back. ahh well, don't really wanna talk about it now, just shut up and touch up on it, talk about it after the thing.

and lol, what the ____, i've been told it's sorta troublesome to post comments here, so people are actually giving me comments in person, LOL.

"as i close my eyes, sit back while reminiscing" -

i can't help but increasingly feel the strain of constantly toiling away at work. i don't if it's IB, or it's singapore, or if it's just me. but whatever the case, i certainly find it quite disconcerting that here i am, during holy week, working my a** off on geog IA, EE, world lit, and to top it all off, TOK OP next monday, ON MY BIRTHDAY -.-

i mean, it's really not like that big a deal, working like crazy during holy week, i mean, it's not like some significant serious stuff, where the sky will rumble in protest and lightning will strike your papers/laptop and burn it up and stuff, but i just find it very, poignant. it's sort of like caused me to reflect on work, life, kind of stuff, how this crazy life of toiling away is taking such a toll on me. i am reminded of how in the midst of all this, i've been putting aside so many other interests and pursuits and commitments, just for the mad rush of trying to stay on top of my work. of course, since it's holy week, i am reminded of the importance of maintaining a healthy relationship with God even through all this nonsense, but this has also served to remind me of so much other stuff that has been unceremoniously dumped by the wayside, rudely displaced by work. i fondly recall those hour-plus conversations with friends, both on the phone and in person. i remember days when we would randomly hang after school, either outside or even within the school. i remember when we would chill in class after school, playing the guitar/singing/doing all sorts of retarded stuff. or perhaps play soccer and get all sweaty and gross, either after school, or even during breaks.

fast forward to year 6, IBDP 2. good gracious, great gollywogs, what has become of life! relaxing heart to heart conversations have been close to non-existent, not because of cooling of friendships, but because of a lack of time, to even just TALK. sharing of cares, fears, joys, even gossip, are replaced by rushed, hasty updates and complaints about work. "okay okay enough, need to go do work already ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, bye"

chilling after school is now a prized luxury that occurs as often as ____ (sorry, can't find an analogy, but ah well, you get the point). immediately after the bell, "okay, lemme make a list of what i'm going to do when i get home. 1.world lit 2.geog IA 3.EE 4.bio prac, okay tyvm bye bye!!!" (rushes off to get home to start tackling the list)

oh and breaks, what breaks eh? they're simply breaks from lessons, not breaks as in real BREAKS, when you rest. you see, they're now used to rush to complete work to be handed in later in the day =/

ah, okay back to TOK folks. what a great life, i know!