i think i need to smile more.

of late, i've been feeling very conscious of the kind of image i send out to people, through the way i dress, my facial expressions, and so on. and in my heightened state of self-awareness, i've come to realize that i do look really really unfriendly and closed when i put on my 'normal face'.

actually, come to think of it, it isn't really anything new. it's not like some stunning revelation that hits me like a bolt from the blue you know. i do vaguely remember people telling me that i look 'fierce' and that i ought to smile more.

i don't know why, but smiling just doesn't feel natural to me. i mean, it's really weird. like, even at times when i meet new people and i want to reach out to them, i realize i don't smile readily at them too. when i meet friends or acquaintances, like along the corridor or in the sac or wherever, i don't smile naturally at them too. usually, i just say a simple hi/hey/hello, or i just wave. with no hint of a smile. and the thing with being in ib, when you don't smile, you don't just look normal. all those dark rings/eyebags/'stress marks'/whatever are all naturally revealed in their full glory. they're all there for all to see. and when people see it, they think like, what's wrong with this guy, he's so unfriendly, he's just forcing that wave, that 'hi'. he's like, so freaky/creepy/emo/closed to others. problem is, i just feel so attuned to not smiling. it's not as if i have anything against smiling, or anything against those people you know. often, moments later, i think back and i realize i didn't smile yet again, and i really kick myself for it, and i worry about the horrid, turn-offish impression i've just given them.

what's really in a smile anyway, that makes me so naturally unattuned to it? damn it man, i really don't know why i just can't make myself lift the corners of that mouth. such a simple action, with so many intangible benefits, leaving so many positive impressions. and yet, it's so difficult for me.

hah. i look at this and it makes me want to laugh. what a joke. yeah right facebook. right.

i shall make a conscious effort to smile at people.

i've been feeling that amidst this mad rush commonly known as ib, i ought not to forget the MORE IMPORTANT things in life. as such, i have decided to dedicate this post to my longstanding pillar of support. =)

as i'm sure many people out there know, this existence called edward bingei is one of the GOOFIEST and COOLEST people you will probably ever meet in your life man. i mean like seriously, just look at him man. he's like, everything? yes just EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, any @#$%^&*()*&*^&$ you can think of, it's embodied in him. and and, he has those amazing edward™ theories on life and relationships that never fail to inspire me and give me renewed vigour in life :D and how about he's like SO PRO in like, er, everything? i mean, just look at his awesome guitar stuffs mans! all the drifting and all.. and his drama/centrestage! even though he might look a little spastic in those tigery stripes and swingy magic tail... oh well at least we now know he has a very elastic, slappable face!

oh and contrary to popular belief, he's likes soccer too! even though, erm, embarrassingly, the following actually took place about a month ago, right in the middle of euro 2008.
me: so do you watch euro?
ed: i dunno i dunno, all i know is man u owns!
me: ..................... (laughs uncontrollably)
ed: oh wait, euro...that's the country thing!
oh well, i guess mistakes DO occur sometimes. nobody's perfect u know

oh and and he's got this lifelong fixation with psychology i swear! always reading some deep, TOK-ish book about human behaviour/perception/thought processes etc etc etc..... (it's just as well i guess. i'll probably need to have a psychologist/psychiatrist on speed dial very soon, with all the $%&*^$% life's throwing up)

but hey on a SLIGHTLY more serious note right, thanks to this amazing human being in my life for who am i now. (ok that's not exactly a big deal , but still) ed, dude, thanks for being there when i'm feeling down, for listening to me rant/whine/yell/complain/emo, and for watching me hurl bottles/dusters/chairs/tables across the room when i really lose it. and thanks for putting up with all my randomness and spasticity. (which was influenced by you!) thanks for entertaining me and listening to me and cheering me up during those marathon conversations until your mum says your mouth berbusa already :DD thanks for EVERYTHING, for being my haven of solace!

arghh..life' s just feeling so mundane, so cyclic in nature. so many things just become so drony and uneventful. amidst all the never-ending assignments and struggles to keep up to date with lessons, i'm feeling like i'm not living, just merely existing.

i'm concerned about the difficulty in changing things which i feel are not ideal, improving areas in my life i want to improve upon and enrich. so difficult. it's not as if i don't know what i want. i have this picture of how i would like to shape my life, but somehow it just keeps going all awry. i still experience moral degradation, social deprivation and the like. i mean yes okay there are little pockets of laughter, of amusement along the way, but in the larger scheme of things, these are simply little insignificant ephemeral pleasures which hardly make an impact.

perhaps an analogy of a snowball would be most appropriate here. i am this miserable ball of snow rolling down an icy hill. the hill is rocky and bumpy, and there's no stopping the downward roll. similarly, life is rocky with the various problems faced, and there's no stopping, no turning back. life has to go on, unfortunately. so on and on i roll, constantly buffeted by the rocks and pebbles along the way, hurting me terribly. all this while, i am well in the knowledge of what will happen to me once i reach the bottom of the hill. i will smash into a gazillion pieces and become a complete wreck. and yet, i cannot stop rolling on, nearer and nearer to my doom. i am unable to control my journey towards my annihilation. it is an external force, gravity, which controls it.

i can't help but feel so much like this poor snowball. i am well aware that change is required. (even barack obama knows that). i am aware that i cannot continue on this path, this route, or i will eventually suffer. BUT, it's just SO DIFFICULT to break away from my current life, my habits which govern the way i lead this doomed life of mine. i end up going on and on along this wretched path. i feel like i'm a spectator watching my own impending demise, but unable to do anything about it.

so since i can't leave this path on my own, i guess what i need is His hand to pull me away from this doomed path to perdition. i have to follow another path. this new path is by no means easy though. the difference is that this path is upward sloping. so therein lies the difficulty. to go along this path, i have to fight against gravity, against the things which pull me down. these things which pull me down could perhaps be laziness, procrastination (which appears to be a very popular pastime) and so on. these are easy to succumb to, just as it is easy to walk down a hill and let gravity do the work. so when i successfully fight against them, i will be able to take the road less travelled, the upward sloping one. and when i reach the end of this upward sloping path, when i have run the race, when i have fought the good fight, instead of staring into the flames of eternal damnation which the downward sloping hill leads down into, i will, having followed the upward sloping path, enter up into His gates with thanksgiving, and onto streets of gold.

It's been a long and winding journey
But i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
And walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When i look into your eyes
My dreams came true
When i found you
I found you
My miracle

Standing here before you
Feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name
My dreams came true
Right here in front of you
My miracle

if who i am is what i have and what i have is lost, then who am i?

i've been feeling the effects of the ugly spectre of insecurity very frequently lately. i don't place importance on myself, and am emotionally dependent on the people and things around me. who i am is no longer me, but rather these external things. really don't what's been coming over me. i certainly don't remember being like that last year, or even before that. perhaps as they say, it's just a phase. well i sure hope it doesn't last long.

there's this thing about the private victory that just makes it so hard to be won. i can't deny that i haven't been feeling comfortable with myself. at all. like, what's there to be proud of. i don't excel in sports. i don't excel in music. and i think what really bugs me is that my degree is impossibly high, and it's not as if it's because i've been mugging impossibly hard until 3am every day and am thus topping every subject. i don't know why i'm like that. i don't know what i can do to feel better about myself.

then perhaps i'm consumed by the twin tumours of competing and comparing. i constantly look around me at others and that's when i feel small and insignificant.

yes competition is healthy when we compete against ourselves, or when it challenges us to stretch to our fullest potential. but i guess i've overdone it. this is when i tie my self-worth to winning, or when i use competition as a way to consciously place myself above others. when competition is used to create a self-image relative to others, ordinary fears and frustrations become exaggerated. i start to think that only by being the best will i be eligible for the love and respect i seek.

comparing with others also appears to have taken a vice-like grip on me. i feel myself building my life based on where i stand as compared to others. but how not to, when in our daily lives, we constantly meet moments which make us feel superior or inferior? i pick up one of those glossy magazines, and see people who look better, dress better. i look around, and i see people who just seem smarter, more confident, more talented. everywhere i turn, i am reminded that i lack talents, i make so many mistakes, i do not excel in anything. and i feel that i don't measure up, that i am inferior.

i guess the word that sums it all up is fatigue. physical and emotional fatigue. physical fatigue as in after-training-just-wanna-vegetate kind of fatigue. this type is fine actually. you are aware that this fatigue is good for you. it makes your muscles, your cardiovascular system stronger. so no complaints.

but emotional fatigue. sigh. i really don't know if i have been experiencing this sort of fatigue all along or if i have recently picked up a knack for feeling it. perhaps it's just a culmination of all my thoughts and experiences over the years. this thing about emotional fatigue, it really drains you. it drains your soul, your entire being, and that leads to your being unable to accomplish anything of note.

just been feeling increasingly this way. i start to wonder just what, cliched as it may sound, i have been doing with my life over the years. really. i mean, i look around me, and i just cannot help but feel so small in comparison with those i see. what have i accomplished in my 17 years of existence? is there anything i can look back on and feel really proud of? i guess the answer that confronts me is obvious.

and this thing about forging bonds, relationships with others. just been feeling so antisocial these days. i mean i really feel that i should be making more friends and getting to know more people, being more friendly with them. and yet i fail. time and time again. it's just some sort of chronic disease within me i would think. i don't know why. perhaps being close to someone does actually take a toll on people. perhaps there comes a point when being close to people comes with the baggage of obligation. there will be this need to be constantly sensitive to their thoughts and feelings and problems. and the closer we get, the higher the expectation and obligation. so perhaps i just want to get away from it all, to withdraw into my shell of safety and comfort, to build up that impenetrable fortress around myself.

but is it just myself or is it a norm of society to feel like that? i don't know if i should feel justified being wary of this closeness. perhaps these inhibitions are self-imposed, and i am demanding too much of myself. but still, whatever it is, it's tiring living up to expectations of myself, of society.

this whole thing about double/split personalities has been hitting me these days. hard. isn't it just so queer how each one of us is so many people all at once? i mean after all, it's still the same person right? or not. i fact, i think all of us have at least two dimensions, or exist in two different realms, physical and virtual. the virtual one is fine, it's the physical one that makes life the total suckfest it gets at times. yes yes i'm becoming better at it, i am learning. but still. i mean, just look at me. i'm trying hard, i really AM. really. my life has become a constant struggle to break down these walls which inhibit my social development. it's really frustrating when you know just what the problem is but try as you might, it simply refuses to make way for you to build those human to human bonds. yet, i look around me, and some of them just make it look so easy. how?? i'm lost. over time, it really does take a toll on you. i guess perhaps it doesn't openly show in the way i behave, the way i talk etc etc, but it sure rankles deep inside dude. the great disparity in the quality of conversations between the two realms is just to large to ignore.

does it take time? but then again, how much time does it need? and how can time alone bridge the gap when there's no quality interaction going on during that time? some of them don't seem to need time. they just click. just like that. is it just my personality? this year certainly has been a long process of self-evaluation amd reflection for me. i'm sorry if i do appear closed and reserved, but i'm working on it. i'm trying! but the results are just so delayed in arriving that i'm starting to think if i'm on the right track at all.

i sometimes wonder if i should just give this whole thing up. retreat into the safe but uneventful comfort of my shell and shut out the outside world. let the walls build up around me, they're building too fast and it becomes really tiring to constantly put in the effort to knock them down. but i know that's not what i ultimately want. doing so would be defeat, doing so would be letting life rule over me. i can't do that can i? doing so would just be a temporary respite from the daily grind, but in the long run, it sure would be detrimental.

help.

so there. end of common test. it was total suckfest lah. naturally. arghh.

enough of that. thinking about tests makes me sick. just some random post-common test musings. not exactly looking forward to the days ahead you know. dude, how about there's like ee, iop, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. oh, not forgetting the small issue of math portfolio. er, looking at what the hl students went through, i'm really just @#*&%^!#@%*$#

really dunno what else to say man. like, i just have this huge mess of scrunched up feelings inside and i want to express it out in words and actions and just get rid of it but, i've got absolutely no idea how to go about accomplishing that. pffft. annoying.

let's see..what else have we got...erm guess i'm just hoping to be able to trudge successfully along the countless narrow and winding paths, such as my spiritual walk, and also erm IB?

trivial inconsequential insignificant ranting. oh God may your strength be upon me.

"Until the race is won
Until the journey's done
Until the crown is won
Teach me thy way."