haha glancing at the march page of my calendar recently, it suddenly dawned on me that from this year on, my calendar is going to be much duller and less uhhh.. exciting to look at.

yes, i just realized how much i'm going to miss those thin and inconspicuous lines of yellow/blue/etc appearing on my calendar every march, june, september and november/december. sighhhh. for 12 straight years (or is it kindergarten as well haha) i've been subconsciously eagerly awaiting the arrival of the holidays, and now, cruelly and cold-heartedly stripped away from me, i feel the impact of the void. hahaha.. it's like so...weird. all these years my life has been organized around four terms divided by those yellow/blue/etc morsels of respite from the routine of school.... and now, it's just...an ENDLESS ABYSS of never-ending darkness. HAHAHA. so drama.

haiz i think especially in the more recent years, i've been under-appreciating my holidays, always complaining that there's so much "holiday homework" (which i still believe is the greatest oxymoron ever but ANYWAYSZ) so what's the point of the hols. sure, that's true, indeed there's been lots of work to be done during the "holidays" (note the inverted commas), with the IB and all that shizz. in fact, if i remember correctly, lots of sad people like me were looking forward to the holidays cos that's when we could get our EETOKIA (hahaha omg, sweet memories -.-) done more quickly without having to "waste time going to school". lol, the insanity and illogicality of school life.

BUT STILL, even with all this nonsense waiting to be done during the "holidays", on hindsight, simply by providing a relief from the daily mundane routine of dragging myself out of my ever-so-possessive bed and to school at hours too early for comfort, these holiday periods should have been appreciated better. sigh. compared to now, when the "holiday" i look forward to is TWO YEARS down the road.

mann, i do miss school life :X

i didn't think i would say this, but i kinda miss school life. not the academic side of it mind you, not all the rushing to meet deadlines, trudging through dreary days that drag till 4.40, putting up with off-putting teachers, and of course, the revered, notorious, torturous pillar of dread, EETOKIA. oh mann, no no none of all that please. just thinking about it is...STOP.

rather, i miss the little nuggets of times when we could lose control and be absolutely retarded with it being normal. when we could let go and have fun without worrying about other stuff. like responsibilities. university. being late for book in (lol). learning about and experiencing a different, perhaps darker, side of life. i miss the carefree, innocent after-school moments, holidays of laid-back charm and the lightness and sweetness of simply being with people you want to be with. without all sorts of tensions and hidden connotations that inevitably crop up here and there. malicious sniggers and gossip behind one another's backs. oh, and student-priced movies, concession public transport, student promotions of all sorts haha ;) cheap thrills ftw :D

mann, i don't wanna grow up -.-

it's not that i'm feeling lost in my new life, without purpose or direction, without missions to accomplish, targets to strive for... it's just that, i don't want to face all this yet. i feel that i haven't lived my school days well enough, and fully enough. haiz, regrets, regrets. the dreaded scourge of life that everyone says we should strive not to have.

but then again, regrets are really quite inevitable aren't they? i mean, i just can't see how a person can be fully satisfied with every single aspect of his life, thinking his life is perfect. with no room for any improvement. now that's pretty unlikely isn't it...

anyway, i digress. coming back to this mood of reminiscence, i guess what also strikes me is how profoundly and strikingly people change over the years. it sounds awfully cliched, but it's not, in my opinion. people really do change. sometimes, when i look around and get to interact with people i've known for years, it really jolts me to see how much their behaviour, mannerisms, attitudes etc etc have changed so dramatically. part of me always wishes to relive the past, to revisit the times i had with these changed people, in completely different contexts and situations from that of the present. then again i wonder if they feel the same way too about me, that it's me who has irreversibly morphed into such a different creature. whatever the case, to fondly recall an apt quote from Paddy Clarke, i know "it would never go back to the same again". ah yes, nirmala will be so proud of me :)

sigh. the complexities of human life.

then again, i do also, quite frequently, look forward to the life ahead of me. and all the stuff i want to do, my plans, my ambitions, excite me. i do sometimes feel a rush of blood within, and get motivated to live my new and future life with gusto. and i think about how i can go about achieving my goals, how i can make improvements to my life etc etc..

so here i am, unwilling to let go of the past, yet excited about the life ahead of me. stuck in the middle. (which is a great song by jay sean by the way haha)

sigh. the complexities of human life.

well then, quite a bit of musing around tonight, gotta sleep soon. it's been a tiring week man. oh and the smu open house tomorrow, gotta plan a lil and see which talks to go for...

peace and <3 people! haha.. okay bye for now then.