exams are schkrewing with my brains. big time. i don't know how else to put it. really, it's just %$&%^&_*&^#%^&**!@#$%

i realize this exam is planned such that it's kinda spaced out. now, that means there's more time to study. it also means the agony is lengthened. ok, i'll proceed to evaluate the costs and benefits of a spaced out exam.

right. economics is seriously messed up. i mean, think about it. what's the point, goodness, of learning about some random market structure which doesn't exist? or perhaps, some funny theory which will always remain a theory and will never become a law?

whiney complainey crazy shizzz. ah well, life.

God has not promised skies always blue,
flower-strewn pathways all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

God has not promised we shall not know
toil and temptation, trouble and woe.
He has not told us we shall not bear
many a burden, many a care.

God has not promised smooth roads and wide,
swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
never a mountain rocky and steep,
never a river turbid and deep.

But God has promised strength for the day,
rest for the labourer, light for the way,
grace for the trials, help from above,
unfailing sympathy, undying love.

'Passion to learn, will to overcome, attitude to excel, spirit to serve'

i spotted this motto/vision whatever on a primary school bus. and i was like, wow. somehow, something about it just made me stop and think. haha omg, i realized i possess none of the above. =x ok MAYBE a bit of the second and third, but sigh, i dunno... so what if i have the will and attitude. i still don't overcome, and i still don't excel. i would really love to think i'm demanding too much of myself, being too hard on myself. but.

today, the speaker mentioned something that really resonated very deeply within me. he pointed out that deep down within us, we all want to be loved, to be wanted, and to be someone to somebody. now, i'm usually not a very good note-taker, and i often struggle to catch the salient points at sermons and lectures, but when i heard this, i immediately jotted it down. boy, how apt, how apt. that's exactly how i've constantly been feeling recently, especially this year. indeed, i think all of us have this intrinsic desire to be a significant part of someone else, we want to be important to others and we want them to be able to look to us for comfort, for reassurance, and pretty much everything and anything else. of course, not all of us will be able to constantly be such a pillar of strength and support. many times, we fail in our attempts to be that somebody to those around us, and instead of love, care and concern which we crave, we may be subjected to disdain and contempt from those around us. we then start to think about how and why we've failed, and we begin to lose confidence and we start to doubt overselves. that's when the all-too-familiar feeling of insecurity sets in, making us so emotional and irrational.

i don't think i've ever pondered so deeply regarding this issue, and i really must thank pastor danny for sparking this train of thought. i think i see the picture clearer now and hopefully, this will restrain me from lapsing into all those emotionally-draining moments of self-doubt and what nots.......

recently, a friend asked me if i have ever felt so happy that i thought life could not get any better. now, this got me thinking rather hard. and i must say, i don't think i will ever feel that way. as in, i don't think i would ever think life could not get any better. i mean, isn't it a little disturbing, if you tell yourself ok this is the best, it's not going to get any better than this. like, even if you're feeling so ultra uber happy over something, why wouldn't you want to entertain the thought that life could get even better? i mean, why impose some limit and refuse to think beyond that? i thought of how this concept could relate to so many other areas of life, like let's say i've achieved really great things in life. why would i want to say, ok that's it, i've reached the peak, and there's nothing more for me to attain. and i just sit back and be contented with what i've accomplished, and i don't bother striving for even bigger and better things, believing that i've already done it all. no way right? i think it's better not to limit ourselves like that. of course then again, it doesn't really matter that much because well, even if you tell yourself that you'll never feel happier than this, and if something even better does eventuslly come along, you can simply revise it and say, oh i was wrong then. because now i'm feeling even happier than at that time. simple. no harm done. but well, the point is, i just find it funny that anyone would actually limit themselves like that.

anyway.

lessons are getting really really lifeless. and that's an understatement. preparing for exams just sucks away life and joy from lessons. and it's not as though there was much of that to begin with anyway. =/

and, i just finished the effing iop TODAY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! deep sigh of relief. just so glad it's over. I AM FREE FROM YOUR CLUTCHES, YOU PESKY MILLSTONE ROUND MY NECK!! ok up next, tok presentation. >< then, final exams.

what a life.

i think one of the greatest oxymorons ever would be 'holiday homework'. i mean, just think about it. it doesn't make sense at all huh. =x thinking back on the dumb week-long 'holidays', hmmpphh. throughout the entire week, i've been finding myself in a lifeless, non-existent state of existence. like wth, it's really..sighh. every day, i've just been trying desperately to find a work-life balance, and i end up finding neither. no work done, and i remain a lifeless soul.

i was thinking, why can't students be allowed to set their own pace of their education path, and decide not just what they want to study, but when they want to study? i mean, i thought of those working adults who go away on sabbaticals and retreats, taking time off from work to do something else. you know, like, sometimes people decide to take say, one year off, give themselves a break from their monotonous and drony office lifestyle, and simply get away from it all and do something different. like maybe, do something they've always wanted to do, but never found the time for. maybe pick up a new skill, or learn a new musical instrument or something. now, i was thinking, wouldn't it be so cool if students could do the same?? like, give us the flexibility to decide our path, grant us some time to do stuff we really want to do. not those miserable 1 week, 4 weeks sort of 'vacation' mind you. i'm talking about good, solid time when we can really take a break, take stock, and enrich ourselves. maybe like a year.

oh welllllll....

biology IAs are just GAY i tell you. there's just something about them, that just makes me want to put aside the pracs forever and ever and never look at them ever again after completing the dumb report. i really don't know why, it's just the nature of practicals, they just make me feel so utterly SICK of them. stupid design prac about effect of pollution on crop yield. good grief, first, there's this stupid introduction that has to be one page long. this involves spamming from websites information about the stupid soybean plant. it's ridiculous seriously. why in the world are there so many ridiculous formats and formalities that have to be followed while doing a practical report????!!!! seriously. it just serves to deviate from the original intention of the experiment dammmit. then come all the procedures and variables and limitations and methodologies that i'm simply so sick of thinking about by now. i mean seriously, the whole year, keep the controlled variables constant, assess reliability of results......it gets ultra boring i swear.

anyway.

so there goes the man they call king kev. two managerial casualties in quick succession, after alan curbishley. honestly, i feel for newcastle united. i think towards the end of last season, they were starting to find some consistency and stability, and this season, they seem to have picked up from where they've left off, and the season ahead certainly looked bright. i tell you, those know-it-all bunch of fools upstairs. these are the ones causing so much instability and poor results at clubs, always meddling in affairs they've got no clue about. forcing some players on managers, forcibly removing others...they're creating havoc i say.

well then. i think this time, it's really gonna be the toon army's favourite son alan shearer. well hopefully the board will be more patient with him and give him more respect, given his illustrious history with the club.

wow, the past few days have certainly been frantic for the epl huh.

right, so alan curbishley's just quit west ham. well, not that much of a surprise huh. looking at the way things have been going for them, it's about time. i say slaven bilic's gonna replace him. and goodness, manchester city huh. well, we'll see if those new found riches are gonna translate into trophies. the capture of robinho's a good start yeah. but somehow, i just feel they're gonna hit a snag sonner or later. not sure why, just.. i mean look around. of late, there's been an increasing number of such cases. a new owner, flooded with cash, takes over, promises great amd grand stuff, then somehow, just somehow, things fall apart. remember when tom hicks and george gillett took over liverpool? they pledged to make huge funds available for the gaffer, pledged their support and all. soon, things start to go awry. the funds dry up, they have internal fights and all, and guess what, they even start speaking to juergen klinsmann. the gaffer gets disillusioned, and wants rick parry to quit, and most recently, he's unable to prise his top target barry away from aston villa. lack of funds? what a spectacular mess.

look at west ham. still recall when eggert magnusson and bjorgolfur gudmundsson and their icelandic consortium took over? same old pleasantries initally, promised funds, pledged support for pardew. then not so long after, pardew was sacked. and see what's happening now. curbishley's walking out, allegedly due to his diminishing power and influence. the board appears to be interfering and george mccartney and anton ferdinand were supposedly sold against curbishley's will. honestly, from my humble point of view, i think these sort of interference is really quite stupid. like, they're just rich businessmen in the game just to earn huge profits. that's bad enough. but worse, they don't sit back and just quietly collect the money. they think they're so smart, telling the manager which players they want, telling the manager who to pick, and when the manager doesn't listen, for the good of the club, he probably gets sacked. if he listens, to please the owners, at the expense of the club and reaults, he probably gets sacked too, after a string of poor results. how dumb.

well. we'll see how this middle east family are gonna transform manchester city. they're gonna try bid for cristiano ronaldo in january?? hmmm....

i'm feeling so sad. goodness i think this is really unhealthy you know, like, constantly feeling so gloomy and weary. but seriously, it's so like, tiring seriously. there's just so much stress, the strains and stresses of contemporary living. life's like a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts and work, cliched as it might sound.

i realize there hasn't, in ages, really been a time when i could really absolutely completely forget about my doubts and worries and fears and just simply live in the moment, and appreciate everything for the way they are, without desiring to be somewhere else, doing something else, or even being someone else. life just seems so terribly imperfect, so unsatisfactory. you know the favourite interview question where they ask you, 'If you could live your life all over again, what would you change?' and more often than not, these crazy interviewees would go like, 'absolutely nothing. i love my life just the way it is, i enjoy being who i am, and i appreciate what i have. i just can't imagine having anything more.' boy, i sure admire these people. seriously. it's one of those thump-chest-and-make-v-sign sort of thing man. i mean, how is it possible??!! i really don't understand these people.

it's been another crazy night, so much bull going on. this is really ridiculous.

A song without the words, a man without a soul, a bird without its wings, a heart without a home, a knight without a sword, a sky without the sun, a ship beneath the waves, a child who's lost its way, a door without a key, a face without a name, a breath without the air.