i'll be on your side forever more, that's what friends are for.

what's in a friendship? what is it between two people that makes them consider each other friends? how are friends supposed to behave towards each other?

honestly, i'm rather confused.

i remember myself saying in primary school that i didn't need friends. like, i thought i could get through this world and its mess by myself. i'm not sure if i even thought about needing God. anyway, it's kinda different now ain't it.

but even as i socialize and make links with other people, i find myself wondering if certain people are indeed to be considered friends. what's a real friend like? what's the role of a real friend? how's a real friend supposed to behave in various circumstances?

sometimes i wonder if it is actually possible to maintain friendships for a long long time. isn't it true that people start to drift apart after some time? i often recall, "familiarity breeds contempt", and i guess i probably would have to agree.

i think, after some time, people start to take each other for granted. after a certain period of seeing each other on a near-daily basis, you start to think that he will always be there, no matter what. even if he goes away, it's just for a short holiday kind of stuff, he'll always be back. you slowly appreciate less and less what this person has to offer, and the qualities of this person slowly fade and become duller and duller, eventually rendering him nothing but another nameless face. perhaps it's like marriage, when initially, the couple are so enthusiastic about each other, and they are so madly in love with each other, and they just can't get enough of each other. every day begins with a huge hug and perhaps a slimy smooch or two, and ends with them getting nice and cosy in bed, cuddled together inseparably. fast forward a few decades (if they even make it that far), and they no longer feel that same passion for each other. instead of yearning to see and touch that once-flawless face and body, all they now see in each other is each other's flaws, such as placing the vase in the "wrong" place, setting the aircon at the "wrong" temperature, and perhaps even buying the "wrong" brand of tissue paper. they leave for work (separately) before the sun rises and don't get home till it sets. by then, they're too tired to do anything and just flop onto the bed and start snoring. which then becomes the trigger for yet another round of arguments. they don't realize how much they actually still love each other, until perhaps, something terribly wrong happens to one of them. and then the one who's left behind cries his heart out, "why did i fight with her every day!" but then it's too late. same for friendships. friends tend to take each other for granted, and don't fully appreciate each other, until one of them is gone, be it a death, or even just emigration halfway around the world. yes craig david, truly, you don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry.

sometimes i also wonder if it's right for one party to declare his friendship with someone else over. when does it become meaningless to continue a friendship? like, perhaps if he's constantly having to reassure his insecure friend about his perceived weaknesses, or perhaps if the friend constantly throws tantrums and hissy fits, going into these incomprehensible emo moments when only himself knows what's bothering him. and after recovering from the shock of seeing his friend behave so emotionally, he tries to coax him to talk about what's bothering him, but to his dismay and frustration, his friend refuses to talk, only asking to be left alone.

in a bid to further develop and enhance their friendship, he regularly calls his friend for chats, and also enthusiastically tries to meet him whenever possible, to catch up on life, and perhaps to discuss any issues that may require discussion and sharing. and yet, all his efforts are constantly met with stony indifference and cold detachment. he feels like he's the only one trying to maintain the friendship, with no effort from his friend at all. at times, it even seems to him that his friend is deliberately trying to distance himself from him. he feels sad, rejected, and utterly confused by his friend's icy treatment. what are friends for anyway? shouldn't they share their problems cares and concerns with each other? if one party constantly has to try to get the other to open up and share his problems, and if he has to constantly reassure him that regardless of all the digs and jibes, his flaws don't matter in the friendship, is this still considered a real friendship? isn't it becoming more like a personal counselling service?

and yet, his friend still refuses to talk, to bare his soul, to share with him just what is bothering him, instead retreating into his shell of cold comfort. frustrated by all the unexplained moodiness, weary of all the unrequited brotherly love, he wonders if he should bother any longer. a part of him wants to give up, and yet, as he recalls the joyous moments, the morsels of understanding and love they shared, he cannot tear himself away.

he is stuck, unable to stay put, unable to move on.

the other day, while looking through my old messages, the concept of change suddenly came upon me and overwhelmed me. okay, maybe not overwhelmed, but still, made me think. or rather, made me think harder than i usually do. which isn't really saying much actually >< but oh wellsz. ANYWAYS.

so it just occurred to me that, clichéd as it may sound, people really do change. this change may be outwardly expressed, or it may not be. it may be obvious, or perhaps not so obvious. but nevertheless, it's still change. and i suddenly found it quite scary actually, when someone you've known for some time is no longer the person you knew. okay, perhaps this is overstating it. hyperbole. as in, it's not like the person is completely unrecognizable, it's not like this person behaves so differently, treats you differently, and so on. it's just that, when someone has assumed new identities, new roles in life, done things which you know have irreversibly changed his/her life, it's sorta scary, in a sense. it's like, you know he/she will never be the same person, ever again. i mean, even if the change is not outwardly expressed or obvious, you know he/she has permanently left behind a part of him/her, and is now permanently a different person, for better or for worse. and sometimes, you just don't want to let go. you don't want to let go of the person you knew. you don't want to let go of how this person used to be. i don't understand this desire to cling to the past, but somehow, it just feels uncomfortable leaving it all behind, and moving on in life, seeing the person do different things and behaving differently, even if only slightly differently, and above all, coming to terms with and accepting this person in his/her new self.

it gets a little nostalgic, thinking about the past, thinking about this person in his/her old self, thinking about the times, words, and thoughts shared with this person in his/her old self. and when you fast forward and look at this same person in the present, you get a little sad that it's just different now, that the past is all over now.

closer to the sun ^^

phew, past few days have really been insanely insane, what holidays please >< i feel like i've been in a constant whirlwind, tornado, hurricane, tsunami, whatever, always rushing from one place to another, brain constantly bombarded with various stimuli shooting at me from all directions and angles. i need to sit down, and REST. TAKE A BREATHER.

i'm glad i've recently had a couple of talks with people i've been wanting to talk to regarding things, issues, that have been weighing on my mind. not any major, depression-inducing, cut myself sorta issues y'know, just a couple things that have been bothering me a little. perhaps confusing me a little as well. anywayzzz, i'm glad these sharing sessions took place, allowing me to understand things, and people, better. but oh well, life's complicated ain't it :-/

oh, had the NS medical thingy as well. uhmm, was okay, but hate the loads of waiting, waiting, waiting and waitinggggg.... and, was kinda, weird at SOME PARTS :X do all perverts and gays become doctors? heheh ;)

after that, had this nice little trip to this Mind Cafe place with friends, lovely night guys! but i felt a little weird at the place, the gaming over dinner concept, just not my sorta thing, sorry :O but great fun and company nevertheless!

oh, and apparently my dream of seeing Barry at the Emirates has been crushed by those ultra insane oil people at a certain Manchester City FC. damnittt, and Alonso looks set to be lured away to Florentino Perez and his second wave of galacticos at Real Madrid, so no Alonso at the Emirates as well??! ahh, shkrewwy, shitey, NOT cool ><

okay, i can see a very VERY busy and crazy 3 weeks ahead of me. wish me all the best!

so fc barcelona, campeónes of europe, well done and congrats! i must say though, that i'm not really a great fan of them. i'm feeling so upbeat about their champions league victory simply 'cuz they destroyed manchester united :D :D :D yes, very personal stuff here, but oh wellz ^^

but i think credit to them, they played really well. i think Eto'o was exceptionally wonderful. but his goal painfully reminded me of THAT heartbreak 3 years back -.- same sort of goal: cut in, near post...only different side lolz. oh and i think Puyol was great! love his style, seriously. and yes, Pique, that guy. i think he really shoved it all back down united's throats with that one heck of a performance on the night. in my opinion, he put in a near-flawless display, constantly alert to any danger, mopping up the occasional mess left by Toure, etc etc etc... honestly, what else to say? i think they were great, really. Iniesta, Xavi, Messi... really, hats off to all of them! and that 38-year old Guardiola, making his 67-year old counterpart look silly, goodness!

oh, and i finally had a spin on the Singapore Flyer! :-) haha, quite cool, but i sorta expected a more spectacular view at the peak >< oh well, it was okaaaay :| oh, and i was thinking it would be quite cool for the flyer to have a glass bottom, whoooo, exciting muchhhh!!! but then again, it probably would make lots of people freak out!

right now i'm trying to reduce my TOK essay by about 70 words for the final submission, ahh damn, sickening. but it's gonna be over soon!

oh mother, this june "vacation" is gonna be _____. but i refuse to let myself drown in work, nope nope. life is more than that! so there, take that!

i have been chosen to run with the wind

awesome HC dance night! <333 really cool, watching them shake it, and inevitably, i started thinking about my own upcoming thingum in august, and gosh, so very shkrewwed, i really need time and discipline to practise practise practise!!!! sigh, if only i were HALF their standard...

but didn't really enjoy the chinese dance parts heh =/ nothing personal, just my preference!

and the piggy's fetish for dark places, randomly walking around the neighbourhood at night to soak in the dark, what the! dark deserted places freak me out, urghh =X

and oh, tomorrow marks the end of the 08-09 EPL season. man, what a swashbuckling season, from the early dominance of liverpool, to their faded mid-season, to their subsequent revival and manchester united's wobble, the resulting hope for 'pool, followed by their ultimate failure, right up to the relegation dogfight taking place tomorrow, together with all the conspiracy theories, with united certainly having an eye on their champions league final.

but i'm really disappointed that arsenal have had another season of mediocrity (by their standards) and unfulfilled potential. i mean, to be honest, while i'm certainly not turning away from them, i must admit this constant talk about the future is getting rather irritating, and it's sounding increasingly like a mere tired excuse for arsenal's repeated failures. i mean, Wenger keeps talking about the great future of the club, but are these talented players going to stay to fulfill their potential at arsenal, if they keep seeing failure NOW? in my opinion (although i could be wrong), a classic proof of this point is Flamini's departure. he certainly was one of those earmarked by Wenger to grow and develop at arsenal, to fulfill his immense potential at arsenal, to contribute to arsenal's future glory, but after seeing that arsenal weren't achieving anything NOW, he decided to say au revoir to the professor Monsieur Wenger. (note: this is what i gather from news, etc, and my personal opinions, but we can never be sure of the exact situation over there can we?)

so anyway, if this were the case, honestly i don't think we can blame him y'know. i mean, a guy's gotta look after himself right? if he sees season after season of failure, you can't expect him to sit around and wait for that hallowed FUTURE can you? he's gotta look around and see where he can add to his trophy cabinet asap. in such a profession, time is never on your side right?

well, 09-10 beckons, and personally, i hope Wenger uses more cash. below are some of my ideas, however improbable some may be. just my humble two cents' worth of suggestions, i'm sure Wenger knows what he's doing.

1. all the talk's about Barry heading for 'pool, but i would love to see arsenal hijack him. i think he would be a great addition, perhaps finally filling the void left by Vieira. failing that, perhaps Alonso and his insane rocket missiles from the halfway line? then 'pool can go ahead and have their Barry haha..

2. if they're looking for a central defender, perhaps have a look at the manchester city duo of Richards or Kompany? i think their versatility would be a huge plus, being capable of filling in well at right back and central midfield respectively.

3. i'm a huge admirer of Deutsch duo Podolski and Schweinsteiger, but then again of course they come across as those typically "non-English type" of player, and you wonder how they would fare in the rough-and-tumble of the EPL.

4. if Downing doesn't fancy playing in the championship, where middlesbrough look likely to be playing, why not the lush fields of the emirates?

well then, we shall see!

carpe diem~

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.

seize the moment, treasure the now.
believe.

i really admire people who seem to have this unbridled, unconditional love for life, for living. theirs is a joy of living, a joy of the spirit, a celebration of their very existence.

it is this joie de vivre that is so terribly severely lacking in my life. instead, this all-pervading pessimism that makes it all look so bad, so bleak and gloomy. i don't know why it's like that. i don't think i've always been like that. perhaps life's beatings and buffetings have taken a real toll on me.

sometimes, in fact many times, i just want to sit back, relax, and shkrewwwww it all. like, seriously, heck care about every single shizz in my life. problem is, unless you get really emo and cut yourself or jump and die, doing that is gonna cause the shizz to come back with a vengeance and haunt you even more.

damn, even if all this can't go away, can't i even have a vent for surplus (emotion)??!! ahh damn, econs. *dies*